It’s been awhile since I have written anything down here. I really don’t even know what I want to write about, but I read something recently that brought me back to the keyboard. When you are overthinking, write it down. I had a photo memory of my kids and I pop up today. It set my brain into overdrive thinking about the last year, so here I am writing things down.
The last time I published anything here was around nine months ago. I had recently finalized my divorce. Without really planning on it, I had found myself on a path to a new relationship with a beautiful women who I had recently met. It was great! It was new and exciting and fun! However, it was also confusing, scary at times and caused some turmoil in what was my new divorced family world. That wasn’t her fault at all. Truth be told, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life as things continued to change. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I cared too much about what others thought. I was learning who was still in my corner and who wasn’t. I was not in a position to commit emotionally to anyone new. When I truly faced this realization I knew that it wasn’t fair to continue, and I initiated the very difficult conversation with her to end our relationship. Much has happened since then, but she came into my life at the exact right time, and I am forever grateful for our time together. She she has taught me a lot and continuous to teach me as she moves forward with her life. I wish nothing but the greatest happiness for her.
Life is funny though! Sure it’s unpredictable, challenging, exciting, cruel, exhilarating, beautiful and dare I say it…a bitch, but it is also funny if you choose to look at it that way. Just when you think you have things figured out that’s when you need to start looking over your shoulder. DON’T GET COCKY! Life will always humble you! Plan, prep and anticipate, but be ready to go with the flow. Keep your attitude in check. It’s really the one thing you can control. I have been trying to keep it more positive and full of humor lately. I will admit though that it can be very difficult at times. I think that is ok though. It’s not suppose to be easy, but I think that as I have realized this, I have grown as a person. I try not to get as worked up about things as I used to. I don’t always succeed, but I am getting better at catching myself when I start to go off the rails. We make the choices that we make and then we ride out the storm if it comes. Better to laugh at it than to cry I suppose. My recent trip reminded me of this.
I have always liked my alone time. I am an introvert by nature. That is not to say that I hate being around people, I just really value my time alone. I am an observer first. It is because of this, that I think I like to go on solo road trips for weeks at a time. My job provides me this luxury during the summer and I have started to take advantage of it more. I have never been a huge camper. I have recently discovered how thought calming this hobby can be, and believe me my overthinking brain needs it! Until recently I have always done this as a car camping activity. I will load the car up and head out by myself, always by myself, and decide when and where I will go form one day to the other. I decided a few months ago that I wanted to up the ante. I decided to start backpacking.
Have you ever been camping? No, not heading out to the cabin for a few days or pulling the fancy camper out to the lake and setting it up with most of the comforts of home. I’m talking about sleeping out in the woods away from all basic comforts and being an observer of the world. Alone with your own thoughts. Placing those thoughts in perspective with the world and being in the moment away from all the noise. That is the type of camping I am talking about. I began researching this hiking/backpacking thing back in March. I wanted a personal challenge and alone time, so planned two trips for the summer. I began to acquire gear, (By the way…it ain’t cheap) and I let myself get excited. I told friends. Mainly because I was excited about it and I also wanted people to know where to look for my body if things went wrong. (Hey! I’m a realist!) Some looked at me like I was crazy…”You’re doing this alone?! Why?” Fair question I suppose. My main response…I don’t have to depend on anyone else! Another reason, it makes me a little nervous. That feeling lets you know that you are out of your comfort zone, and when you are out of your comfort zone then you are learning and growing. I am able to rise to my own challenges. I will succeed or fail on my own accord. This may not seem like that big of a deal to some, but it is to me, and that is all that really matters.
My first of two trips has come an gone. I had planned to head out to North Carolina and hike/camp in the Blue Ridge Mountains. As I got close to my destination, Tropical Storm Claudette changed my plans. She was forecast to come up through where I would be hiking. I had a choice to make. I chose to turn around a come back home. I my be a bit crazy, but I try not to be too stupid. Rain is fine, flash flooding in the mountains by yourself doesn’t sound too peaceful for this Texas boy. It was a hard choice, but discretion is the better part of valor as they say. I will say though that 29 out of 36 hours in a car driving is it’s own kind of adventure. I still embraced the experience for what it was and moved forward. The gear is purchased, the countryside is still there and other trips will be made.
So what is the point of this ramble? I don’t know really! I know that I am spend too much time in my head, anticipating, second guessing and saying what if. I am smart enough to know that it is a destructive process in the long run. I am possibly robbing myself of what could be or might be. Instead I replace it with thoughts of what might have been or what if I had only. I have always struggled with this and will continue to struggle with it, but that is OK. Being self aware is growth. I get there a little more each day. I am learning to go with the flow more and be flexible. Whether it is my job, day to day life or matters of the heart, I try harder to live in the moment. You can’t change the past, you don’t really know what the future holds so embrace the present and be flexible. You just might be on a new path to something wonderful.